


Secrets that I've held in my heart

by Akira14



Category: SKAM (Italy)
Genre: Gay Panic, M/M, Martino/Pippe Mentali OTP, gay walking disasters, or as we say in Italian: gente che NCLPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-08-03 02:11:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16317158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akira14/pseuds/Akira14
Summary: Well, as much as the series gives us an insight on what Martino is going through,  that's not quite enough for me so I needed some more internal monologues of what might be going on in that beautiful mind.Like, why didn't he look him up on Google? Why hasn't he gone to 5B during recess?So this little thing was born :)Title from "I wanna be yours" by Artic Monkeys because we've all seen THAT clip, haven't we?





	Secrets that I've held in my heart

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah… Feels weird to write in English for a show that is in Italian, but I’m way older than Martino and from a different part of Italy: if we have to go for unauthentic vocabulary in this I might as well just use another language all together.

_Secrets I have held in my heart / Are harder to hide than I thought / Maybe I just wanna be yours / I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours_

(I wanna be yours - Artic Monkeys)

*******************************

He’s cute.  
He’s got this blinding white smile that makes his heart miss a beat, but well, so does watching the sunset at the lake house.  
We’re talking about aesthetically pleasing here: it’s not that deep.  
So what if his voice has him feeling warm and fuzzy inside? What if he feels like he’s never had such a strong and sudden connection to a complete stranger before?  
It’s not worth thinking about. He’s been feeling like shit for too long – and he downright refuses to wonder why it’s worse when it’s just him and Gio… it’s not like he doesn’t know – not to enjoy some peace and quiet without a care in the world.

Then, of course, the universe has other plans in the name of Emma Covitti.  
Fuck the universe.

\---------------------------------------------

He’s used to dream of faceless people fuck him six way to Sunday. He might not be ready to admit it to anyone, but he made peace with the fact that there is a distinct lack of women in his fantasies. His brain has gone back to that time he walked into Gio about to eat Eva out – and picturing himself in her place – too many times to keep telling himself that lie and believe it. 

It’s not like he has to act on it, right? Maybe it’s nothing more than a phase and it will pass, if he doesn’t.  
Yeah, he doesn’t have to… But that was before he saw those two guys making out, and now he can’t help but wonder if Nico’s lips are as soft as they look, what kind of sounds he’d make when touched, if his eyes would shine even brighter when they would, inevitably, break apart.  
He’s used to the physical reaction of letting those scenarios run wild, but not to the longing in his heart.  
And then he realizes the picture of him in his mind is blurred already, understandable since he’s met the guy for a grand total of 5 minutes and he can’t even use a photo for reference. 

That has him on Instagram in a second, even though he’s well aware that with that kind of phone – and he hates being able to clearly remember that Niccolò has a Nokia33something but not how deep were the dimples on his face, when he smiled – and then on Facebook.  
No matches found. What the… ? Who’s not on Facebook in 2018? Anyone above 30 shouldn’t, and yet. Everyone and their grandmas is on there… but not Mr. Niccolò Fares.  
Why? He hasn’t exactly struck Martino as a misanthropic nostalgic who is dead against social media. He had a very welcoming and loving vibe around him, but then maybe that might be a side of him only Martino has seen…?

No, okay. Bit too preposterous for him to contemplate such an option.  
Then what?  
Has he been bullied and forced to disappear from the Internet? Who’d bully a guy like that, anyway? It’d be like kicking a puppy. What kind of heartless monster goes around kicking puppies? It's got his blood boiling just taking it into consideration, on Niccolò behalf, but he's too drunk to deal with his rage. 

Talking with Filippo is a welcome distraction from the turmoil in his head, and then worrying about not being mugged or freezing to death while he sleeps on a bench kinds of overshadows anything else.  
He can’t die without seeing _him_ again, come on.  
Fuck his life.

\---------------------------------------------

Logic tells him to go and wait for him outside 5B at recess.  
Logic tells him that Google can be his friend when he’s looking into someone with an unusual surname.  
Logic can slap him in the face and he still wouldn’t stoop to that level. He’s not a stalker and he has still got a shred of dignity, okay?

Might not seem like it when he subtly asks Silvia if Niccolò is going to be at her party or when, with the same practiced smoothness, he deflects Emma’s nagging questions.  
Nobody can spot his disappointment at not having they boy’s number, they’re too busy asking themselves ‘who the fuck is Niccolò?’ - he’s a fucking menace set on ruining his life, that’s who he is – and looking bewildered when he couldn’t care less about a party full of hot babes. Yeah, right, he’s supposedly straight so maybe he should look a bit more interested.  
Blame it all on Emma being too pushy. Deflect by making fun of Luchino’s crush on Silvia… That’s a winning strategy, isn’t it?

For his own sanity, he should stop dwelling on these stupid feelings of his.  
He’s better off without them.  
Fuck the butterflies in his stomach at the mention of Niccolò. Fuck the smile tugging at his lips at the possibility of spending more time with him and… bah, blah, fuck it. All of it.

\--------------------------------------------------------

No Grindr. Go figure.  
A guy with a prehistoric phone hasn’t a profile on that app, what an unexpected turn of events.  
Really. And yet, for a minute, he believes that Nicolò07 can be _his_ Niccolò.  
He’s not, because someone out there wants him to have talk to the guy again and hope not to make a fool of himself in the meantime, instead of being able to approach this – whatever _this_ is - like anyone else on this planet and liking his post on Instagram and Facebook and then seeing where it goes from there… 

He’s actually one second away from giving in and type ‘Niccolò Fares’ on the search bar, when Sana walks and sits in front of him. And then, of fucking course, when he’s finally devoting his time and attention to something that is not how sweet it would be to walk hand in hand down the corridor with his crush and spend recess nuzzling that adorable face , Mr. WetDream shows up and all of his concerns about the weed and how to get it back take the backseat.

What is air? What is his life? Who is he and where is he going? How can life have any other purpose than making out with that adorable sexy dork out there? Who makes him smile by trying to play it cool and then cannot even put a fucking cigarette in his mouth but has it hitting his teeth? How can he even be real?

Before they can quite get into some serious eye-fucking, Sana reclaims his attention. Damn.  
He’s gone once where they are done talking, because that’s just his luck.

He can’t think straight for the rest of the day, he’s so high on endorphins that his friends are probably thinking that Emma got down on him or something, when really he’s counting down the days – the hours, the minutes, the seconds – ‘till he sees Niccolò again.  
Dreaming he could have been that fucking cigarette, because he’s _that_ pathetic.

He’s lost the fight, given up his heart.  
He’s so, so fucked.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh boy, Martino and being cool don't even share the same zip code. The lies we tell ourselves...


End file.
